Today, as I've done for the past few years since I've had this blog, I am wishing my sweet baby girl, Arianne, a very happy birthday. If you want, you can see those posts here, here, here and here.
Today, the daughter that I didn't get to raise turns 19 years old. She entered this world six weeks too early. She was so small and tiny and needed help to eat. Today, she turns 19, and I am left wondering how the two week old infant I left behind is doing.
Is she attending her first year of college? Does she have a boyfriend? Maybe she is married? What music does she like? Did her hair stay brown? Does she know that she has another mother, one that loved her so much that she felt a better life with two parents would be best for her? Does she know that my heart aches for her and that I am desperate to meet her, to hold her, to tell her I love her?
Does she know that the day I said goodbye to her has been the hardest day of my life and that the last 19 years have been filled with many, many hard days as I mourn my loss -- a loss that I have never gotten over, a loss that still haunts me?
Arianne, my fervent prayer and desire is that you and I will be reunited one day. I think of you always.